What We Can All Learn From Sex Workers
Written by Sanura • @sanuraofficial
We all know them. They are the exotic dancers, adult film actresses, cam girls, findommes, escorts (companions), phone sex operators, sugarbabies (in some cases), and now in more recent times, the OnlyFans content creators of the world. They are the Women who have chosen to take complete control of their sexual agency and make a profit via the hidden desires of even the most seemingly straight-laced men.
They are the Women who society goes to great lengths to ensure we don't become, even to the point of shaming, stealing from, and banning their online content under the guise of "morality". But if we all take a closer look, we can see that these Women have an above average understanding of men and how they think, boundary setting, and being attuned to the very thing that makes this world go round, no matter how well hidden it is. These are the Women who have fully embraced how hypnotic a Woman's essence truly is, and they've broken through the barrier most Women shy away from: monetizing it.
If you take one look at the website of a Companion, the first thing you will notice is a very clear cut boundary called RATES. It blew my mind to see that these Women were essentially charging men to breathe the same air as them, by the hour.
Wanna spend 2 hours at dinner with them? There's a rate for that. You enjoyed their time so much that you want to spend an extra three hours with them? There's a rate for that too. Feeling so comfortable that you want to talk on the phone and vent about your life? Maybe spend a full day together? Take her with you on a business trip to another city, even? You guessed it, there are also rates for that.
Honestly, after growing up under the impression that interactions with men were naturally mutually beneficial (because men and women BOTH ultimately want sex, right?), no matter how much I had been hurt, lied to, played, or disregarded in the past, it was still a huge eye opener to realize that most of my interactions with men had actually taken more out of me than I was given back. Technically, it was never really mutually beneficial at all.
Seeing how these Women navigated and perceived the dynamics between male and female interactions was a breath of fresh air. It opened my eyes to the fact that a Woman's presence was a valuable commodity that men weren't just somehow entitled to.
It said "Well, I wouldn't mind being with this man, but these are my terms and conditions. And if he can't meet said terms, this absolutely will not work."
This view was an act of rebellion against what most Women are taught to believe, and to say the least... I was intrigued and empowered all at once.
This capitalist society tells us that nearly EVERYTHING can be commodified; from labor, to creativity, to entertainment, to menstrual cycles, to healthcare, even down to WATER-- but somehow, magically, men's desire for sex, love, emotional support, and access to the time and energy of Women is off limits and should just be given for free?
To add to this, we never actually discuss the ways in which these Women heavily influence what's perceived as sexy or cool. Exotic Dancers, while facing many stigmas and generalizations themselves, have literally helped create movements and trends within Hip Hop and Black culture in general, not only by helping to break some of the world's biggest artists simply by dancing to their songs, but also by creating some of our favorite sexy aesthetics that all the girls are beyond happy to copy.
Sky high lucite platform heels? They did that first. Pole dancing now being marketed as an "exercise class"? The inspiration for that one is obvious. And yes, while I've read that twerking has long been a part of African culture, I think it's safe to say that our modern day twist on sensual dancing was inspired by strip club culture as well.
Not only have these Women mastered being trendsetters, they've also tapped into a very useful skill that most Women have not... knowing how to talk to, seduce, and get what they really want from men. Most Women spend so much time with their heads in the books, focused on career, or wishing upon a star that their Knight in Shining Armor will come, that when they do finally meet a guy they like they become delusional in the name of "love". We don't take into account our own wants and needs-- compromising boundaries when they are crossed just to keep the peace. We are taught nothing about having a strategy, knowing which guys will be good for what, and which guys to walk away from altogether. It's rare that a Woman is taught to unapologetically demand or even simply imply what she wants. Most Women are so hellbent on just having someone that seems interested in them that they don't even realize that THEY THEMSELVES are the Golden Ticket.
This is what really intrigues me though, because whether we like it or not, a large part of life, for most people, will center around our relationships with the opposite sex. The truth is that most Women have absolutely no clue how to deal with men at their level of thinking, and this is what inspires the disdain some Women have for Women who actually DO. At face value, society sees Sex Workers as Women who are just up for a money grab, but wait-- aren't we all? Every adult on this planet literally has to earn a living in order to survive. But as Women, there is so much more to learn from Sex Workers than we have been led to believe. Being in tune with and fully embracing all the things that make Women so magical... from the way we move, to the lightness of our voices, to the softness of our skin, to they way we flirt and express our own unique brand of sexiness... is our true power. They may not always admit it, but it's the little things about Women that we ourselves may not even notice because they come so natural to us, that inspire men to work harder, spend their money, go out of their way to talk to us, and just have this relentless desire to bask in our presence. Setting boundaries and thinking of our romantic relationships in a way that shows that you honor YOURSELF first, are priceless assets that you will thank yourself time and time again for having the courage to acquire.
What we can all learn from Sex Workers is that unapologetically living out loud and being fully immersed in your Feminine Energy is, to the world, an act of rebellion that every Woman should take on in some way. They show us that every Woman deserves to have what she wants, even if it's as simple as a candlelit dinner by the beach or having roses delivered to her job. We have the right to create our own standards, and to leave whoever doesn't rise up to them, in the dust.
It shakes people up at their core to find that the conditioning we have collectively undergone hasn't worked on everyone. For some people, seeing Women who have fearlessly harnessed their own brand of sexy and are using it to create better lives for themselves is a tough pill to swallow.
Sanura is a singer, producer, model, and the owner of Little Kitten.